Plain Laughs

It’s been so long since a real laugh on here.

Let’s start again:

1) I now attend classes so excruciatingly boring, my fellow classmates and I are left only with our insane minds to amuse us. Mostly, we just contemplate ways to pass the time. One class in particular, we have all agreed on ordering an extravagant feast to pass time. I personally preferred the idea of ordering one of those buckets from Joe’s Crab Shack with bibs and butter and cracking seafood obnoxiously in the lecture hall.

Though there are others who spend their time contemplating why the walls of some lecture halls possess those ominous slits in the cement bricks. A certain friend is almost positive they are traps like those in Indiana Jones movies where arrows shoot out to booby trap people. 

I think they may be alien spy holes.

2) I have only recently realized that I have become increasingly boring. So much so that I foresee knitting obsessively and owning 27 cats in my near future. To rectify this, I have tried to reach out to my closest friends. Surrounding myself with the best people in my life has proven to be a great choice. I have laughed more in the last week than I have in the past year. 

Die has me absolutely convinced that she is the most caring and loving person in the world. I couldn’t live without her love and humor.

3) We have recently decided that the video game archive in the Dude on campus is the coolest place to be. And so we shall be spending far more time there together I hope. 

I have also realized that life isn’t worth dwelling over too much. Just sit back and enjoy your friendships. 

4) Did I mention the biggest laugh of all? Dancer left me. 

I can’t be an idiot and say that it was meant to be and that we were perfect for each other…..But I also can’t say that I was happy when it happened. I was crushed in fact.

BUT, this last week would not have happened if he had not left me. And I would definitely not have experienced all the great things I did…or all the amazing people in my life. I am lucky no matter what.

Give this one a try. Play it loud and proud.

Why did it have to be this way? You all were my closest friends at one point. What happened to us? I have heard things that should have never been said. I have seen things that should have never happened.

I have tried too long to make you all happy. But once you gave up on me, there was no use in my actions….when you look for mistakes, you’ll find them.

Am I not good enough for you? I have thought and stressed over this for hours in the past few weeks.

I’m leaving and never looking back. I loved you once. Please remember those times.

It’s going to be hard to leave….but I don’t feel like staying where I am will make me happy anymore.

It’s up to me to make myself happy. Nobody else can give me that satisfaction.

Thank you for putting up with my lost self. I really do appreciate the times we’ve had. Take care of yourselves, okay?

Much Love,

Sylv

Only half done, and already exhausted with family. So ready to curl up and read a book alone.

Yet still filled with love and comfort and many laughs.

I guess I can’t complain. I am truly thankful.

And you know who you are when I say thank you for going out of your way to join me this year. I love that you love this. I love all of us.

I’m writing this for the sake of flow. For the flow of thoughts and emotions on my mind. It feels great to have them run through your fingertips onto the clicking keys. It’s a sort of calming movement.

Since when did you stop caring about me? Am I that worthless that I don’t even deserve five minutes our of your time anymore? Nothing has changed for me….I still care for you more than you care for yourself.

Unfortunately, I still crave that companionship. The feeling of belonging.

I had a dream about this last night. Again.  You passed away, and I couldn’t deal with it for a while.

But after a while? I started to put things together…..I wasn’t one of those week humans that couldn’t deal, couldn’t live, and couldn’t move forward….this was my dream.

I admit that I have problems moving forward sometimes. That I have problems letting go. It’s because I feel like everything is situational. EVERYTHING can be last a lifetime with us. We could be together forever.

But I guess you don’t want to anymore. And I think I will never understand that. You are beautiful. And you are intelligent. And you lack a deep feeling of connection.

You have said things, done things, unforgivable things.

We have fallen apart, and fallen together, and falling.

Lets make love again. I want to make love again and never make up again.

I want to make love again.

You won’t allow me to, we just keep falling.

When will you stop falling? When will you let me stay grounded?

Tonight…I want to dance and laugh and sing and cry and be with friends and loud music and make love.

Tonight….I will sit and wallow and think falling thoughts.

It’s not that I hope for anything different anymore. I have grown used to these feelings of falling. These feelings of dying and shriveling.

But will you ever make me feel alive again?

Will my fingers ever stop aching to move across this board? Will I ever stop aching to move?

And now I find myself wishing that there were someone else. Someone else to come save me from myself.

AND on that day…

NOT A DAMN WAS GIVEN.

I feel anger. And Sadness. And Fear.

Please. Someone help me find the courage to save myself from this falling. I wish it could be you. I wish and I wish and I wish in vain it could be you.

But you can’t even wish yourself to stop your own falling can you?

Your own downfall.

Someone save us both.

Because of you, I have fallen in love.

Such perfect music to calm my chaotic self.

LOVE the lines and the musicality of the three tone progression when he says,

“Start to think it could be fizzling out.”

Listen to it, and even if you don’t hear the words, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Something about those three notes cascading is so pleasing to the ear. Music is a common ground for all people. I highly recommend you skip around this song to the parts with words and dance around a little. Trust me, you’ll want to.

I love dancing.

Did you hear? I started doing ballet classes a couple months ago.

It’s such a SATISFYING activity.

I may sound presumptuous, but I really do think that I could have been a great dancer if I had chosen it instead of violin as a child. (not that I would ever give up my music)

There is a musicality to dance, a gracefulness that just puts me at peace. I love it more and more every time. I wish I could have known that as a child.

That doesn’t mean I’m going to be any less hardworking though. No matter how ridiculous I look as a beginner, I love it….And I want to continue for as long as possible.

I wish I could say the same for my music. I’m at a place where I can’t practice nearly enough to upkeep my technique in music. If I could spend a couple hours a day pulling on those strings, I would….

Hopefully, I will. You should come with me to class sometime. And watch me fall over every time I move. It’s probably quite funny looking. And I’m sure you’ll get a good workout too. ;)

It’s getting colder, and our pumpkins outside the porch are starting to rot. I do have a pie pumpkin sitting in my kitchen that wants to be in a pie though.

Dancer said he would get me some evaporated milk today so I could make one. Kitty loves Dancer.

I hope his back feels better soon. Want him to be happy.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, friends.

Her voice is like rolling in a bed of cotton balls and laughter. 

Calmness emanates from her

Due to recent events, I no longer wish to speak of that damn coat…..I may just cry.

Anyway. I realized just recently that I have major anxiety issues and give myself more stress than needed.

I still bite till I bleed. It’s getting worse now that school’s started.

And my obsession with my weight is back stronger than ever.

I’m ashamed of myself for all the things that I do to myself.

I work till I’m sick. I starve till I’m weak. And I binge till it hurts. I think people might know…but most don’t.

And now I’m truly sick. Sore throat and an achy body. Two exams, a wedding and a party to plan within the next week.

Rehearsal tonight was a living nightmare. Please tell me my future won’t hold that kind of nonchalance. I can’t deal with people that just half-ass things anymore. It makes me even more anxious.

I want things to be right. And I want things to work. I need them to work. I have a problem.

What am I going to do? Too many things.

Wait till you read it and weep from the ridiculousness of this world. I’ll get to it as soon as my biochem exam is over tomorrow morning.

Then my life will come back to me and I can be reminded to share this tale.

I was touched deeply when you told me you read my words a second time. Was it just to pass time by? Because you were bored? Because you love me?

I’ll write this one for you.

Mindless things recently. More class and school and friends and homework and studying and work.

Wait. No more work.

Dancer has been good to me even though I can be easily angered. But I told him I wouldn’t stand around anymore and get beat on by people. He’s included.

I think we’ll be fine in the end. We talk of love and future and happy things. We talk of Magic and movies and crayons and fudge and Totoro.

He makes me think of things that I forget about sometimes.

Many of you do that for me though. And I appreciate all of it.

Tomorrow? First day of ballet. How did I ever get convinced into this? How did I ever get so silly. My mother could be right. A waste of time.

And yet I’m doing it anyway. Is it for myself? I can’t tell yet. I’m apprehensive. Maybe time will tell.

Wish me luck and lots of laughs. I’ll be crying of embarrassment tomorrow in a leotard. That’ll be a new one!

Can’t wait :)